A Quick Guide to World Cinema:

British films are about people with bad table manners; 


French films are about paranoid gallery-owners who wear turtlenecks; 


Italian films are about Monica Bellucci's cleavage and scooters; 


Japanese films are about girls in schoolgirl outfits fighting tentacle monsters;


Chinese films all star Bruce Lee, someone who was related to Bruce Lee, someone who looks like Bruce Lee, or Jackie Chan; 


Russian films are about tattoos, vodka, clothes made of burlap, and bread; 

American films are about either confused twenty-somethings in knitwear, or someone trying to blow up the biggest thing they can before someone else stops them, in ninety-minutes or less. And boobs. 

A Guide To Recognizing Your Abacus

Pubes Have Never Been So Exciting!

Upon checking my email today I saw that Barnes and Noble is very excited to be introducing "Pubit!" Now, what Barnes and Noble intends to accomplish in the exciting world of digital pubic hair is something I can only speculate about, but I'm sure this is going to be the most exciting time in history to be going through puberty! Oh, to be young again!

The Dirty Durty Diary

An excellent new fashion and culture magazine has just been launched in NYC. The Dirty Durty Diary features articles, essays, art and photography, Larry Clark, Tiffany Limos, Michael Pitt, Jamie Bochert, Eli Roth, Matthew Barney and many more, including a Beatles piece by your's truly. Check it out at
http://www.dirtydurty.com/ as well as @DDDMagazine on Twitter, and The Dirty Durty Diary (The DDD) on Facebook.

Guest Review: Hot Tub Time Machine

"hot tub time machine = disappointment"

   -Yan 

Thanks, Yan!

Go Review Yourself: A review for a game I found on the interwebbings

After reading this excellent description and revue, I knew I must obtain this game, for it was obviously the greatest RPG ever:


"Is a RPG game where must kill all demons and deads from the graves . You have a map to find the doors and secret entrances.Kill with the sword all monsters. After they are die, some of them let money or objects. Take them in inventory.In inventory can change weapons ,scout and armor . Take the best of them because the enemies are strong!"


Editor's review:
"Search the graves and defeat all deads who are alive now . Choose where to put the points earned. Put strength,dexterity,mana and others.Take the best weapons.When there are a lot of enemies is hard if you are not equiped very good .
Can be played multiplayer mode.Installation is simple. Graphics is good and music very good .Level by level, you grow and you will have more experience. With money earned from the battle go and by poitions with life and mana ."


World of Warcraft; eat your heart out.

REVIEW: Triangle

"Triangle" is one of those movies I am surprised more people haven't seen, yet one I am hesitant to say too much about. And therein lies the problem that faces not only this film, but any filmmakers who are unwilling to fall into the modern, show-it-all-in-the-trailer form of film promotion. It's hard to keep your plot mostly under wraps and still entice today's incurious, attention span-less audiences to see your film. 
To look at the cover and description of "Triangle" on Netflix gives the impression that this movie is going to be some stupid, haunted-boat horror flick. Like Ghost Ship without the cool everyone-gets-cut-in-half opening scene. But "Triangle" isn't a horror movie. Really. It's not really a thriller, either. When I think thriller I think of (best case) "North by North West" or (worst case) "Phonebooth". I don't think "Triangle". Despite the best efforts of the film's marketing department to make you think the opposite, "Triangle" is actually cerebral. You'll find yourself actually thinking during the movie. I know! Can you believe it?! 
Of course, you can choose not to think at all during the film, if thinking, ya know, isn't your thing. You won't enjoy the plot, because you won't catch on to it, and you'll just see an attractive woman running around in shorts and you will become one of those people who writes a bad one-star review on Netflix using language that is an insult to anyone with even a limited grasp on grammar. And that's fine. However, if you are willing to think (and you most likely wouldn't have read past the first sentence here if you weren't) then "Triangle" provides a rewarding experience.
Being a lifelong comic book fan, I can be somewhat of a stickler for continuity. Contradictory situations, overlapping plot points, and characters appearing and disappearing out of nowhere without explanation (remember Tori on the final season of Saved By the Bell?) have the potential to annoy the fuck out of me. So, finding no real infractions in "Triangle", a film which relies somewhat heavily on the promise that everything happens in a way that never ends up contradicting itself (you'll understand when you watch it) was somewhat of a refreshing and very pleasant surprise.
Triangle's cast of mostly-unknowns means less of a required effort to suspend disbelief, and all the actors do a more than adequate job playing out their plot lines. Melissa George is great in the lead, giving you a perspective on the action who's competency is questionable until far into the film.
Give this movie a try, it's on streaming Netflix and it's worth your time. If you're one of the eight people who still doesn't have Netflix, then go to Blockbuster or wherever the fuck it is that cavemen get their DVDs these days.

REVIEW: Toy Story 3

The third Best Picture-worthy Pixar film in a row, (and probably only the third serious animated Best Picture contender ever) Toy Story 3 could have easily been the phoned-in installment of this franchise and still would have made buckets of money. Instead, what the film does is open with fun, imagination, lightheartedness and humor, and then begins to set up what will be the proverbial rug being yanked from under you. Once again Pixar uses non-human characters to further show us things about our own humanity. In Toy Story 3's case, these lessons are about loyalty, love, loss, and the true meaning of friendship, be it human or toy, child or adult. While it may not have the full-on weep-inducing sequences of Up!, I did find myself getting teary in a couple spots, but left smiling bigger than I have in a long time. *Side note; The opening short, Day & Night, may be one of the most brilliant pieces of short film I've ever seen, animated or otherwise. Bravo to Pixar once again.

REVIEW TRAIN!!

QUICK REVIEW: This Film Is Not Yet Rated

For fans of film in any form or for anyone who is interested in what is being kept from them as a participant in culture, this is a MUST SEE. An intelligent and relevant portrait of behind-closed-door bureaucracy stepping on the neck of artistic expression. Where the MPAA draws it's lines between what is acceptable and what is problematic and potentially dangerously influential is absurd at best. This documentary is an excellent showing of how corporate-influenced censorship and empirical restraints on art exacerbate the disappearance of parental and personal responsibility in our society.

REVIEW: Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles(Spoiler-Free)

What could have easily been a shallow, action, shoot 'em up series, instead evolves into an existential tale about fate, faith, family, love, trust and what it means to be truly human. It is also a warning for how we are rapidly advancing our technology, often without fully thinking through the consequences, or the cost to our humanity.

Picking up in essence where "T2" left off, the series begins with John and Sarah Connor, again on the run from perceived threats that can come from anywhere. The show quickly finds its pace, with payoffs coming fast and quick, and nods to the existing Terminator mythos permeate the plot, while the storyline constantly expands on that world. There are plenty of firefights, explosions, and metal-on-metal battles, but there is also thought, emotion, hard decision-making, contemplation and exploration.

Everything about the series is well executed and exciting. You might think the inclusion of the line "Come with me if you want to live," would be a cringe-worthy bit of forced nostalgia, but instead, it is at first an exciting tip of the hat, and when uttered again later in the series, brings an emotional connection in the story full-circle.

We see much more of the future war with the machines, executed more intelligently and interestingly than "Terminator: Salvation" (I am reluctant to even mention McG's trainwreck effort as any kind of reference in this article).

Every character in the series is well-developed, with flashbacks (and forwards) used to flesh out their back-stories. In many ways, Cameron the cyborg becomes one of the best examples this side of Wall*E of using something distinctly non-human to resonate real emotion.

The acting is excellent in all areas. The biggest surprise performance being from Brian Austin Green (yes, THAT Brian Austin Green) who plays Derek Reese, brother to Kyle, John's father. Laura Headey as Sarah does an excellent job walking the line between concerned mother and desperate warrior. The young Thomas Dekker, in his first star turn, plays John, wrestling with a desperate desire to be a regular teen, while the pressure of being mankind's last hope weighs on him constantly.

Each episode presents a unique story all in its own, never becoming stale or formulaic, while smoothly moving forward the underlying plot and narrative of the series. "The Sarah Connor Chronicles" is yet another casualty in FOX's war on thought-provoking programming (this list is long, and starts with "Buffy", then winds its way through "Arrested Development", "Dollhouse", and finally, "Terminator:T.S.C.C."). It's a real loss for fans of smart, exciting television, but at least we have two excellent seasons to enjoy. Come for the twisting metal, stay for the depth of ideas.

REVIEW: Pandorum

I guess it wasn't one big thing that disappointed me about Pandorum, but many, many little ones. Only the beginning of which is that this film wants to be Aliens, but for people who don't like to think, follow plotlines, or enjoy good movies. So, SPOILERS AHEAD. (Though, to say that implies there is anything here worth spoiling; there really isn't)

Where do I start? The short version is (get ready) Ben Foster and Dennis Quaid wake as part of the crew on a giant spacecraft which is on it's way to colonize the first Earth-like planet that has been discovered. They emerge from their sleep pods disoriented and lacking most of their memories. They figure out who they are (kind of) and find a control room, but they can't get to the bridge, because the ship has no power. So, Foster has to crawl through a tunnel where he eventually meets a crazy German girl who sounds French and attacks him out of nowhere. She runs off, and Foster finds a hanging dead body, then meets the smaller Boondock Saints brother, who covers himself in grease and is systematically eaten, like something from KFC. Later, Foster is kung-fu attacked by some kind of Pacific Islander space-warrior who doesn't speak English, and meets up with the German French girl again. They are all chased by the creatures from the far superior movie The Descent, who have somehow ended up in space.

MEANWHILE Dennis Quaid finds Cam Gigandet in the same hole that Foster crawled down (!?!?) and pulls him out. Gigandet (who years earlier killed Marissa Cooper, so therefore is not to be trusted) is shaking, nude, and not making sense. Eventually, Quaid calms him some and he begins telling Quaid the story of what happened on the bridge before Foster and Quaid woke. MEANWHILE!! Foster, the German French chick and the Hawaiian Spearfishing Ninja come across a crazy Rastafarian who has made cave paintings all over the walls of his chamber and eventually tells the three that he has lived on the ship for months, eating people and somehow avoiding the monsters. Ooook, still there?

ANYWAY, back in the control room, Gigandet and Quaid are swapping stories and making s'mores. Apparently, one of them killed the bridge crew and one of them may have Pandorum and they may both be the same person, and the first rule of Pandorum is you don't talk about Pandorum.

Oh! I almost forgot! Pandorum, we learn, is some kind of space-madness which turns waking crew members crazy and may be why Gigandet/Quaid had to kill the bridge crew. This info is supposed to give us the impression that the Descent monsters may just be crew members gone mad, but what it really does is add another "plot device" to an already muddled story that certainly didn't need it.

ANYWAY, the Samoan Stick Fighter gets killed somewhere, as does the Rastafarian, and, in the end, Foreign Girl and Foster find Quaid, who is totally batshit with Pandorum and probably killed the bridge crew but is trying to make Foster think HE is crazy, or something. Geez. ANYWAY, turns out the ship was underwater on the destination planet the WHOLE TIME! Whoops! LOLZ!! Everyone laughs and has a tea party, but not really.

In short, I watched this film because I am a fan of Ben Foster, I don't mind Dennis Quaid, and I love sci-fi. Even entertainingly bad sci-fi. Pandorum, however, contains the bad and the sci-fi, without the entertaining.

Bam?

I don't understand the rhyme or reason behind the crowd's bursts of applause and cheering on "Emeril Live". For example; what's so applause-worthy about the garlic, but not the tomato paste?

I'll Probably Never Like You As Much As I Like Lauren Graham

In my best dreams I am married to Lorelai Gilmore (or Lauren Graham, since I don't see a substantial difference) and we have a marginally successful indie-rock band, ala Mates of State. Then I wake up and my smelly little dog is rubbing himself on my covers and I remember I am single and have no discernible musical talent. Bye bye, Lorelai..

Why Garfield Is A Philosophical Genius

Having been raised on a steady stream of Garfield books, all bought through the Scholastic book club program in grade school, it is my belief that all of the world's problems can be solved with lasagna. The lasagna will need to be served only warm enough as to allow it to be eaten directly from a rectangular iron pan with bare hands. (See scientific diagram; above)

They'll Have To Change That Hands-Free Law

I am convinced that human evolution is moving us to the point where we will no longer have voices. We won't need them. All communication will be text-based, and as such we will develop thinner, multi-jointed thumbs, capable of hitting tiny text message keys at an accelerated rate. All speakers will be removed from cell phones and all regular telephones will soon be sought-after collector's items. Relics from the archaic period where you were actually forced to listen to sounds coming from another human's mouth. In the future this will seem grotesque, and the mouth will be purely for the eating of variously flavored synthetic proteins and the drinking of scotch.